


Behind Closed Doors

by MidnightMew



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Suicide Attempt, Victorian era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 21:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11745366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightMew/pseuds/MidnightMew
Summary: Daniel James Howell was an abomination.He knew this, had done since he was just fourteen years old, but he never thought he would ever be prosecuted for it. He had figured that no-one would know unless he told them, which had seemed simple enough.Unfortunately, life never works out quite how one imagines it.Which was probably why he was sitting in a cell in the police station.He was terrified, scared for his life.He tried to tell himself it would be alright, it’s just her word against mine, why would the court be more likely to believe her than they would me. But he knew they would. He knew how these trials went. All it took was for someone to say the word ‘homosexual’ and the law would believe them without question. It wasn’t at all fair, but then again, when was anything in life?





	Behind Closed Doors

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this on and off for around 3 months! 
> 
> Content Warnings  
> -period typical homophobia  
> -attempted suicide  
> -suicidal thoughts  
> -this is just an overall depressing fic
> 
> A few historical notes  
> \- I did a little bit of research but it's really hard to find out about the court system in the 1800's  
> \- a lot of what I know about court systems comes from Jodi Picoult novels  
> -this fic is not historically accurate, I've tried my best and I know there are many errors, please try your best to ignore any!

London- 1886

Daniel James Howell was an abomination. 

He knew this, had done since he was just fourteen years old, but he never thought he would ever be prosecuted for it. He had figured that no-one would know unless he told them, which had seemed simple enough. 

Unfortunately, life never works out quite how one imagines it.

Which was probably why he was sitting in a cell in the police station.

He was terrified, scared for his life.

He tried to tell himself it would be alright,  _ it’s just her word against mine, why would the court be more likely to believe her than they would me.  _ But he knew they would. He knew how these trials went. All it took was for someone to say the word ‘homosexual’ and the law would believe them without question. It wasn’t at all fair, but then again, when was anything in life?

If life was fair, then he wouldn’t have been arrested at all.

If life was fair, then he wouldn’t have to live in fear of his relationship with Phillip Lester being discovered. 

If life was fair, then he wouldn’t have spent all his years in school trying to convince himself that he wasn’t attracted to other boys, spent those years disgusted with his own existence. 

If life was fair, then he wouldn’t have witnessed the death of his first partner at the hands of himself, he wouldn’t have found the note explaining that he had taken his own life by jumping off a bridge.

If life was fair, he wouldn’t have attempted that himself. And he had been so close to succeeding too before he had been stopped in his efforts by a gorgeous man with jet black hair and pale blue eyes. The man who was the very reason he was sitting here right now. 

If, if, if. So many ifs, so many possibilities. In another world, perhaps, at another time. But in this place, this moment in time, things weren’t fair, and it would cost him his life.

He had told Phil to be more careful, had told him that people would start to get ideas about them, that they should have met less frequently, at more covert locations. Phil hadn’t listened to him, he had told him that it’d be fine. That they’d be safe. That no-one would find out. But they had found out. Which was why Dan was sitting on an uncomfortable chair in a police cell. Staring at the bleak concrete walls, waiting for what he knew not.

He shut his eyes tight, fingers tapping on the side of the seat. That had always annoyed Phil, one of his many habits that he couldn’t help but comment on. Sitting there, he felt lonelier than ever, walled into this tiny room with no ‘ _ please stop it Dan, you know it annoys me,’  _ from Phil.

He was never going to see Phil again, he realised that now. He hadn’t seen the other man since yesterday afternoon, when they had gone for a walk together through the park. And he had been planning to see him again in a few days, had the police not taken him from his home earlier that morning. 

That day in the park seemed so long ago now, almost like another lifetime. He couldn’t believe, sitting here now, that it had been less than twenty-four hours ago.

He had been smiling, laughing at Phil as he tripped over his feet yet again, the other man had always been so clumsy. It had seemed so perfect. Neither one of them knew what awaited Dan the next day.

 

_ The trees were a dark red, leaves falling all around. It was mid-autumn- Dan’s favourite time of year. It wasn’t too hot or cold, and the trees always looked gorgeous at this time, full of yellows, purples and oranges, swirling around as they fell. _

_ ‘How was work?’ Dan asked Phil as they walked. _

_ Phil worked for a publishing company, reading proposals and manuscripts, and he always talked about his job with such enthusiasm that Dan loved to bring it up. Phil could talk about anything in the world, and Dan wouldn’t care. So long as he was smiling, it felt like everything in the world was going to be alright. _

_ ‘Good,’ he said, his eyes lighting up, as he spoke ‘I read the most amazing manuscript. The writing itself was extremely rough around the edges, but the ideas and thought process behind the plot of the story was simply incredible. I could only dream of creating something so complex.’ _

_ Dan smiled as Phil explained, he had had a rough day, his composition wasn’t going right, and nothing he was playing sounded right, but this made up for everything earlier. This day was now a perfect one. _

_ ‘Dan?’ Phil asked, as he realised he’d been lost in his thoughts again. _

_ ‘Huh?’ he realised Phil had said something, ‘sorry, what was that?’ _

_ Phil just laughed, ‘you’re always thinking about something about something or other, don’t you ever like to take a moment to not think about anything. You know, don’t think, just do.’ _

_ ‘Maybe,’ he said with a smile, checking around to make sure they were alone before a pressing a kiss to Phil’s forehead.  _

_ ‘Oh my god, I shouldn’t’ve done that,’ he blurted out, glancing over his shoulder again, ‘Someone could’ve seen us, I’m so, so, sorry Phil, I really shouldn’t have done that.’ _

_ ‘What was it I told you about ten seconds ago Dan? Don’t think’ _

_ He kissed Dan, letting his hands find their way into Dan’s curls, and Dan felt himself relaxing into the kiss, reaching up to cup Phil’s face with his own hands. _

_ ‘Just do,’ he whispered when their lips parted. And leaned back in as their lips met once more. _

 

Tears streamed down his face at the memory, of a time that he would never see again. He would be locked up for what he had done, for who he was. And he would never be able to go back home.

All the things that he would never do came crashing down on him at once, the realisation cascading down like a waterfall. He wouldn’t get to speak to his parents properly, the first they would hear of his homosexuality would be the trial. 

He didn’t know what they’d think, on one hand his mother had always been supportive of him, even when he decided to leave university to pursue his career as a pianist. On the other hand, this was homosexuality he was talking about here. A word uttered behind closed doors, something people seemed to think wouldn’t happen if they refused to acknowledge it.

He wondered if people would talk.  _ Of course they will,  _ he reminded himself with a sigh,  _ people do little else.  _

He wondered what the people who had been his friends would think,  _ they’ll be disgusted probably. And shocked that they had never realised the truth. Not until it was too late. _

He stood up, the seat was getting uncomfortable, and started to pace. It was what he had always done when he needed to think. He had thought a lot when he was in university, not about his law course but about leaving the said course. And he had always paced when he was stuck on a composition and needed to work things through in his head.

He thought now, as he walked back and forth along the tiny length of the cell, of Phil. Phil would’ve heard of course, everyone in the area would know about Dan’s arrest, but Phil would be the only one who knew the reason behind the event.

He wondered if Phil would be relieved, relieved that he hadn’t been arrested too, that the police weren’t coming for him as well.  _ But what if they do come for him, what if he’s next?  _ There was no way of knowing if they had seen Phil or not, as Dan did not know what moment the woman who had reported him to the authorities had seen. It could’ve been before Phil, with some other man, or maybe she didn’t see Phil clearly enough for him to be found.

He hoped Phil was okay, he was terrified himself, but he found solace in the fact that Phil was safe at home, no police after him. Maybe he could find some woman that he liked enough to marry, he obviously wouldn’t fall in love, but maybe he could find a friend to keep up a pretence with.

He wouldn’t mind that, he knew that eventually Phil would have to find someone to ‘settle down’ with, and so would he,  _ if I make it out of here alive that is. _

Phil had often talked about the future, granted with a far more optimistic tone, like the eternally cheerful ray of sunshine he seemed to be a human embodiment of.

 

_ ‘Are you going to get married at some point Dan?’ It was winter, and the two sat inside Phil’s living room, feet warming in front of the fire. They had come in from the raging snowstorm outside not too long ago.  _

_ ‘Married?’ the question had startled Dan. For he knew he would have to get married eventually. If he appeared single for much longer people might start to suspect, but he had always hoped that day would never come. He knew he would have to find a girl to settle down with, but he had always dismissed that as a problem for a later day. _

_ ‘Surely I’ll be alright for another few years yet,’ he said, shifting slightly on the rug, trying to get more warmth from the fire to his frozen toes. ‘You’re not married yet, and you’re older than I am.’ _

_ ‘By four years Dan, not forty!’  _

_ Dan squealed slightly as Phil prodded him in the side. ‘Old man,’ he laughed, grinning at Phil who grinned back.  _

_ That smile, oh how Dan loved smile.  _

_ He would do anything to make Phil happy, anything at all. _

_ ‘Do you want me to get married?’ he asked, looking up at the older man. _

_ ‘Do you want to get married?’ Phil responded, his blue eyes twinkling slightly in the light of the fire. _

_ ‘Well I’ve got to at some point, don’t I?’ _

_ ‘At some point, yes, I suppose.’ _

_ ‘Let’s just stay as us for now.’ Dan said, reaching for Phil’s hand, entwining their fingers. _

_ ‘Christ, your hands are cold.’ Phil jumped at the feeling of Dan’s frigid hands. ‘Put them in front of the fire.’ _

_ Dan moved their hands, still connected, closer to the fire, feeling the warmth radiate outwards. It was cold outside, but it warm in here, and they were together. And that was all Dan needed at that moment. _

 

His head snapped up as he heard the lock twist in the cell door, and it swung open a moment later. The police officer walked into the room, and he realised he was inching back, trying get away from the man.

‘I’m here to take you for questioning with the detective.’ the man said, he was even taller than Dan, which was saying something, and was much burlier than Dan’s slim stature. ‘Put your hands out,’ he held out a pair of handcuffs, and Dan quickly complied, not wanting to do anything wrong.

He saw his hands were shaking as the officer locked the cuffs around his wrists. 

He wasn’t strong enough for this, he couldn’t do this. He wanted to cry, to sit down and curl into a ball, place his head down onto his knees and just give up. 

This was too much.

He could just tell them it all, let them know everything.

But he had to be strong for Phil. He knew Phil wouldn’t survive in his position. If depressing, pessimistic Dan was scared right now, then what would this situation do to someone like Phil. 

He  _ could _ survive this. He  _ had  _ to survive this. For Phil if for nothing else.

To see him again, to speak to his family once more, to finish that composition he had been working on for so long, to go for a walk in the park again, to wake to the sun streaming through the broken blinds in his bedroom early on a summers morning. He had so many reasons to live. So, he had to at least try.

They walked down the stone corridor of the building, until they came to a door marked  _ interrogation.  _ Dan was shaking as the man opened the door, and lead him in to where he was sitting across from another man with a notepad and pen. 

‘Daniel James Howell,’ said the man who brought him in, ‘suspected of sodomy- homosexual relations with another man. This is the one you wanted to see, correct?’

‘Yes,’ the detective said, pushing his round spectacles up his nose from where they had been slipping down his face. ‘Sit him across from me, and then close the door on your way out.’

‘Yes sir,’ the officer said, clearly slightly scared of the other man’s authority.

He led Dan over to the seat across from him, and chained the handcuffs to the table, ensuring he couldn’t escape, which Dan found rather strange,  _ I’m here for homosexuality, not murder. What do they think I’ll be able to do against trained police officers? _

‘Okay, let’s get paperwork out of the way first,’ he said, taking several forms out from in-between the pages of his notebook. 

‘Your name is Daniel James Howell, correct?’

‘Yes,’ Dan said, attempting to keep his voice steady. Panicking would not do anything to help his case when everything he said and did in this room could be used for evidence in court.  

‘You have been accused of having sexual relations with a man. Do you agree with this accusation, that you are guilty, or do you believe that Miss Parker is lying when she says she saw you with another man in your living room on the afternoon of the seventh of October?’

Seventh of October, that was little over a week ago, he cast his mind back, tried to remember what he had been doing that day. He had had a message sent to the publishing company where Phil worked, the meeting had been arranged at the last minute, because something Dan had spent months working on was finally complete, and he wanted to show his partner.

 

_ Dan’s eyes were closed as his fingers elegantly pressed on the piano keys. The song he was playing was a slow one, rather simple compared to some of his other recent compositions, but Phil could tell that he had put a lot of work into it.  _

_ Dan was absorbed in the music, a look of deep concentration on his face as he played with the utmost precision, careful not to put a finger out of place, all the while getting the emotion across in the music perfectly.  _

_ Phil knew next to nothing about music, but he knew that Dan’s playing was incredible. He had seen other pianists play before, but nothing touched him the way Dan’s music did.  _

_ The music slowed, and came to an end, as Dan opened his eyes and looked up at Phil for a moment before inquiring his opinion. ‘What did you think? It’s what I’ve been working on the past few weeks, it’s for you.’ _

_ Phil froze at that, ‘for, me?’ he asked, tears welling up in his eyes. _

_ Dan didn’t know how to react, he had never seen Phil cry before, he was always the cheery one. _

_ ‘Sorry, I know I shouldn’t have…’ he trailed off, he had put so much effort into making the piece perfect, but it was okay, it was still a good piece of mu- _

_ ‘No, no, I love it,’ Phil blurted, interrupting Dan’s train of thoughts, ‘I just,’ he paused, fidgeting with his fingers, ‘why would you write something so gorgeous, for me?’ _

_ ‘Because I love you.’ Dan said, before realising the implications of what he’d just said. ‘Is that okay, I don’t know how to do this whole relationship thing. The only other man I’ve ever been with died before we’d even been together for a month,’ he let out a short laugh, trying to cover up his sadness and insecurity, ‘so forgive me if I don’t really understand everything about relationships.’ _

_ ‘It’s okay Dan,’ Phil said, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. ‘I love you too, and that was the most beautiful song you’ve written yet.’ _

_ ‘Is it really?’ Dan smiled up through his tears at the man he loved more than anything else in the world. _

_ ‘Of course it is Dan,’ Phil said with the grin he always had, back on his face. ’Everything you write is incredible. ‘Though,’ he admitted with a laugh, ‘I might be a little biased.’ _

_ ‘A little biased.’ He looked up at Phil incredulously, ‘I could whack my hands on the keyboard and you would still say something good about it.’ _

_ ‘Well, maybe,’ he smiled, and brought Dan’s face close to his own, their lips meeting in a kiss. _

 

That must have been the moment when she saw them. Jessamine Parker lived in the house across from Dan. He had always been so careful to keep the curtains closed when he was doing anything that could even be interpreted in a non-platonic way with Phil. But he hadn’t planned that kiss, Phil was there to hear Dan’s new piece, he hadn’t expected the visit to end up the way it did.

At least she hadn’t seen Phil, or at least not well enough for the police to be able to find him. That was the one small mercy on this tragedy of a day.

He took a deep breath before he answered the detectives question, he had to be careful how he spoke. He couldn’t let a single word he said be used against him. ‘I do not agree with your accusation. I have been never involved in such activities and I find it utterly preposterous that you would even insinuate such an idea.’ He hated how posh he sounded, his accent combined with his extensive range of vocabulary, but he supposed it would probably serve him well if he sounded like the other people in court, not some poor criminal.

‘Are you sure, this conversation can be used as legal evidence in court?’ the detective sounded unbelieving when Dan had said he was innocent. 

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I did was not involved with another man. I’m completely innocent.’ He fought to keep his voice steady, he couldn’t give up now. If he just kept lying they might not have enough evidence to convict him.

‘And where about were you on the afternoon in question?’

‘I was in my house, working on my composition, and preparing for a concert I should be performing at tonight.’ 

The detective looked at him, slightly confused.

‘I’m a pianist.’ He clarified.

‘Were you alone?’ he asked, writing a few notes on his paper, probably recording all Dan said, and making a few observations of his own. Like the way Dan was holding back tears, the way he dug his nails into his hand, the way he tapped his foot on the ground- a nervous tic he could never get rid of. ‘You live alone do you not?’

‘Yes,’ he lied again, ‘I was alone all day, and I live by myself as well. Well, apart from when my family comes to visit.’

‘So, you had no visits all day, no post, nobody even stopping by to say hello?’

‘Yes.’ he said, digging his nails into his hand so hard that he almost drew blood. ‘Just me and my piano all day.’ He fought to keep his breathing steady, the smallest thing could give him away.

‘Okay…’ he said, clearly thinking as he made more notes, his pen scribbling on the paper as his hand tried to keep up with his brain. ‘That’s all for now,’ he opened the door, ‘someone will be along to take you back to your cell shortly.’

 

Alone in the cell, it was harder to keep the thoughts at bay. The thoughts that had plagued him his entire life, the  _ why don’t you just kill yourself _ and  _ the world would be better off without you _ type of idea. Phil had made it bearable, he had come into Dan’s life at such a dark time, and introduced a ray of light and happiness into his everyday life. But now he was alone again, in the pitch-black abyss of his own head. He needed someone, the way he had needed someone all those years ago when Phil came into his life, and brightened it up. 

_ He missed James. James who had loved so much, even though they’d only been together for a month (though they had known each other for over a year before that) and who was now gone.  _ It would be so easy,  _ he thought,  _ so easy.  _ To do what he’d done, and finally be reunited after all these months of agony he’d spent alone.  _

_ No one apart from his parents would even notice or care that he’d gone, and even his parents would get over it soon enough. They would be disgusted with him too if they knew what he had done, who he had been with. _

_ Which was why he stood now, on the wall of a bridge over the Thames. He had picked the bridge carefully, high enough to certainly kill him, and deserted enough that he could be relatively certain that no-one would walk past. Of course, this didn’t go according to plan.  _

_ The wind whistled though his hair as he bent his knees, just one jump and this would all be over. _

_ Just one jump and he would be gone from this world forever. _

_ He was so focused, that he didn’t hear the sound of sprinting behind him, he didn’t notice anyone else was there until he felt a hand on his arm, tugging him backwards off the side of the bridge. He toppled backwards, crashing against the pavement. _

_ He felt hands holding him down as he thrashed about in the man’s grip. _

_ ‘Let me go!’ he yelled, as he continued to struggle against the firm hold, locking him in place. _

_ ‘No,’ the other man said, his accent wasn’t from London, Dan noted in a strange moment of clarity between the thrashing and yelling. ‘If I do that you’ll just hurl yourself over the side. I’ll let you go when you calm down and reassure me that you won’t try and kill yourself again.’ _

_ ‘I deserve to die!’ he was getting frantic now, ‘please, let me go, I’m a homosexual, the world will be better off without me in it anyway.’ _

_ ‘That doesn’t mean you deserve to die, you’re human, just like we all are. Please believe me.’ He said, as he looked down at Dan, now more with a sense of pity than urgency. ‘Don’t believe everything they tell you. You aren’t an abomination I promise.’ _

_ ‘How do you know?’ Dan asked, his voice cracking with tears. He had stopped struggling now, and lay there on the pavement, daylight beginning to fade as the sun set over the river. ‘Who are you to tell me what I am and aren’t any more than god himself?’ _

_ ‘I’m like you Dan’ he said, his tone dropping to barely above a whisper, ‘I’m like you, and I tell you now, what we are is okay. We are not wrong, we are not evil. We are just normal people, just the same as the people who hunt us down and lock us up. They are only human, just as we are.’ _

_ He let go of Dan now, who shifted until he was slumped against the bridge wall, and sat beside him, not caring that his nice trousers would likely be ruined from the filthy pavement. _

_ ‘You, you’re like,’ he paused, trying to think of the words to say, how to voice his disbelief, that someone so kind and nice could be like him, that someone like him could be so at ease with himself, not wanting to take himself from the world at every opportunity. ‘You’re so happy?’ he went with, for the other man seemed strangely optimistic given what had just happened. _

_ ‘Am I?’ he said with a laugh, ‘I guess I’ve just learned to not let other people bother me.’ _

_ He stood up, and Dan quickly stood up with him, not wanting him to leave. _

_ ‘Do you want to come with me, I was just on my way home now, you can join me if you want?’ _

_ Dan flushed at that, thinking that the other man was implying something. _

_ ‘Not like that,’ he rushed to clarify, ‘I just thought you might need somewhere to stay.’ He laughed, ‘god I would never even suggest something like  _ that,  _ I don’t even know your name!’ _

_ ‘I’m Daniel,’ he said, as he looked down at his feet, feeling bad for making the other man embarrassed from his jumping to conclusions.  _

_ ‘Phillip Lester,’ he held out a hand, which Dan shook. ‘But everyone calls me Phil.’ His hands were larger than Dan’s thin fingers, and much warmer too, which was expected, given than Dan was in nothing but a shirt and trousers in the midst of winter.  _

_ ‘So is it okay if I do come back with you?’ he asked, somewhat awkwardly, he did have his apartment of course, but right now he didn’t want to be alone, he wanted to be around someone else, even if it was someone who he’d only met ten minutes ago. _

_ ‘Of course it is,’ he said, with a smile, ‘you can stay as long as you need, we can always tell people you’re my cousin or something if they start to get suspicious, you know how it is.’ _

_ Dan said nothing, but gave Phil a small smile as they started to walk.  _

_ ‘Do you want my coat?’ Phil asked, noticing how much Dan was shaking in the chilling wind. _

_ He nodded, not trusting his voice to not crack and break into tears, from the kindness offered to him by a man he barely knew.  _

_ He still wasn’t happy, this hadn’t been a magical cure or anything of the sorts, but the generosity of a stranger made him realise that maybe the world wasn’t quite such a horrible place, or that even if it was, there were people like Phil, people who made everything so much brighter, like the way the sun peeks around the edges of even the best curtains. _

_ As they walked, he watched the man walking beside him. He seemed so content and at peace with himself, and he was like Dan. Maybe, if given enough time, he could be like that one day too. _

 

Time passed in ways unlike normal, as Dan sat alone in the small room. Sometimes what felt like hours would be only a few minutes, and sometimes hours could pass with him doing little other than staring at the wall. The only way he had to keep track of the passage of time was his meals. Twice a day, the same each time. 

Without much of a sense for time, he found he spent a lot of time in the small bed in the corner, drifting in and out of consciousness. From nightmares, to reality, which was, in itself, a kind of nightmare.

At least in his dreams, something happened. Something other than these monotonous days he spent with nothing but his memories for company. Even if most of them caused him to jolt awake in a cold sweat, even if they scared the living daylights out of him, feeling scared was better than feeling nothing at all. 

Hours became days, which in turn became weeks, and still nothing changed. He had been questioned in the first few days, and when it became apparent that they weren’t going to get much else from him, they had stopped. He knew it wouldn’t be long until his trial, the whole process had been urgent, such were the accusations put against him.

He wanted nothing more than to walk outside, to see the outside world, to breathe the dirty city air into his lungs. Granted it was nothing like the freedom of the countryside, but even in the city you could go somewhere, do something. Rather than sit, rotting in a cell.

Somehow, he knew deep down that that was extremely unlikely. He knew how slim his chances of walking free were. The prosecution had lawyers, they knew what they were doing. And he had only himself, for a pianist like him, earned only enough to keep himself alive. He had no money with which to pay for legal protection. Just his account of what had happened that night. His account, that wasn’t even the truth of what had happened.

He had rehearsed his story in his head so many times, it almost felt like the reality at this point. He knew the lies so well, that it was hard now even in his own mind to discern them from the truth of the night.  _ That’s the way it should be,  _ he thought to himself,  _ if I believe it, then maybe, just maybe, the jury will too. _

It was late, his evening meal had arrived quite some time ago now, and yet, as he climbed into bed, the room growing ever darker with no lights inside, he could not fall asleep. He lay with his eyes closed, just, thinking. Thinking about the trial, about society, and about why he was even here in the first place.

As he drifted off, hours later, he had just one thought in his mind.  _ Why me? Why me of all men. _

 

Why me?  _ He thought to himself, several months earlier, sitting on the sofa in the living room of Phillip Lester, a man he barely knew. Yet here he was in front of the fire with the man’s jacket wrapped around his shoulders, shivering, as he was through in the next room, making tea in an attempt to warm him up. _

Why, out of all the people out there, did he just happen to come across me?  _ He didn’t know if it was merely a coincidence (he didn’t believe in fate, or any kind of higher power for that matter) but this man had walked right into his life at the very moment where he needed him. He had needed someone, just anyone, and there Phil was.  _

_ He was pulled out his thoughts as the aforementioned man walked into the room, with an armful of blankets, as well as a steaming hot mug. _

_ ‘Here you go,’ he said, handing the mug of tea to Dan, before placing the blanket over him. ‘Hopefully this will help you warm up.’ _

_ He took a seat on the sofa next to Dan, and just sat in silence, as he drank his tea. For that Dan was grateful, there were times in life when silence was more helpful than any words were, and he was relieved that Phil hadn’t tried to engage him in conversation. _

_ They sat like this for a while, Dan drinking the hot tea, which was doing an excellent job at warming him up, and Phil watching the fire, glancing over at the man beside him every few minutes, and giving him a warm smile each time. _

_ Looking out the window, Dan noticed that the sun had set. It must’ve been getting late. Finishing off the last few drops of tea, he set the mug down on the floor, and stood up.  _

_ ‘It’s late, I should probably be heading off. Wouldn’t want to keep you up.’ _

_ ‘Don’t worry about me,’ Phil said, reaching out to grab Dan’s hand, and pull him down, back onto the sofa. ‘You should stay here, you really shouldn’t be alone tonight after-’ he paused, obviously not knowing how to phrase it ‘after today.’ _

_ ‘No, I don’t want to get in the way,’ Dan said. He already felt like he had placed a burden on Phil, he didn’t want to be more of a nuisance, and make the other man worry. ‘Seriously, I’ll be fine. And besides, I want to go home.’ _

_ ‘Okay then,’ Phil said, clearly determined, ‘I’ll come with you, just for one night.’ He looked at Dan, who was pointedly looking anywhere but Phil’s face. ‘Please,’ he said, his voice softening. ‘I’m just worried about you.’ _

_ ‘If you insist,’ Dan was still looking down, not meeting the other’s eyes, but there was a slight smile on his face. ‘But I’m warning you now, a sofa’s all you’re getting. I could barely afford to buy a bed for myself, let alone a spare.’ _

_ ‘That’s fine,’ Phil said, standing up, and moving over to the door where his shoes lay. ‘Shall we get going before it gets much later?’ _

_ Dan didn’t say anything, but smiled at Phil, as he picked up his shoes, and as Phil handed him his coat for Dan to borrow again, seeing as it was late, and even colder than it had been previously. _

_ ‘Thank you,’ he said, as they walked out the door, so quietly, Phil couldn’t be sure if he had actually heard him or if it had just been the wind. _

 

Dan woke up early. He knew it was early, as his room was still dark, so the sun must’ve not been up yet. It was the day, at long last. The day of the trial. 

It finally felt real, for the weeks before he had been living in a daze. It felt like those past days had been little more than a dream. And today he woke up to see the reality he was living in was worse than the nightmare he had woken from. 

He couldn’t see his face, but he knew he looked like a mess. At least he got to have a wash today, as cruel as the law was, they at least let him look presentable in court. 

It wasn’t long before someone came with a tub of lukewarm water, it had once been hot he guessed, but they didn’t really care about letting a prisoner have a hot bath. 

He washed the best he could with no soap, and dried off, before putting on the clean clothes they had provided him. This at least made him feel a little better, though it all felt very final. One last day of nice things before he was put back behind bars for the rest of his life.

He prepared himself, almost mindlessly. His body moving without really knowing in his mind what he was doing. All too soon, the police officer was back at his cell door, holding a pair of handcuffs. Silently, he let the man put the cuffs on his wrists, before being walked to the front door, and escorted into a carriage. 

He had only seconds outside, but it felt incredible. He could breathe. He could feel the wind in his hair, hear people chatting. He felt alive. He felt real. 

Even on the way to the trial, he could see the world outside. That was more than could be said for the cell he’d spent the last few weeks in.

He was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to leave. To just fling open the door and jump outside. He wanted to get out. He didn’t want to be locked up for the rest of his life, he wanted to live. 

He wanted to see Phil again, to see his family, to lie in the sun on the rare occasion it was actually warm. He wanted to see the ocean, wanted to swim in a river, wanted to feel the crunch of autumn leaves under his feet. There was so much he hadn’t done yet. He had so much to live for. He had been so sure that he had no chance of getting out, but now he wanted nothing more than to walk free at the end of the day. 

So, he had to lie. Had to lie like his life depended on it, because it quite literally did. 

They drew to a halt, outside the courtroom, and the door opened. 

Head held high, he walked to the building. He was going to do this, he had to believe that. He was going to do this. Nothing could shake him.

As he walked into the courtroom, he looked at the jurors, many of them were young, close to his age. Hopefully that would give him a good chance if they were similar in age to him.  _ I’ll be fine.  _ He told himself.  _ I have to be.  _

_ I’m fine.  _ He thought, then he glanced at the public who had come to watch, his brother was there, but his parents were strangely absent. What did they think of him? Did they hate him now? Had they given up on him already? 

And then, as if the universe was against him, he saw someone that made him freeze. He felt a twisting knot in his stomach, as the world around him span. It was him. He had come to the trial. 

_ Phil Lester. _

Then the world around him darkened, as Daniel Howell fainted. 

 

_ Dan woke up to the sun streaming through his broken curtains for the third time that week. He really ought to buy some better curtains, but he barely had enough money for rent, let alone to refurnish the whole place. _

_ He got dressed, and made himself some breakfast, before heading through to the piano to work on his current composition.  _

_ He got lost in the music, hours passing with him barely realising it. He didn’t even notice that he had forgotten to eat lunch when he heard a knock at the door, jolting him out of his work.  _

_ ‘One second.’ He shouted, stretching as he stood up. His back ached from hunching over the piano all day, he really ought to take better care of himself.  _

_ He made his way to the front door, not surprised to see Phil standing there when he opened it. For over a month now, Phil had been visiting after work whenever he had the time, mainly to make sure Dan was doing okay, that he was eating, that he had actually gotten up that day, as well as to catch up, seeing as neither of them had any other friends. _

_ ‘Come in,’ he said to the dark-haired man standing in the doorway. He didn’t even have to remind him to take his shoes of at this point. He couldn’t place the time when the visits had gradually gone from a surprise into a regular routine. He thought about this as he went to the kitchen, and busied himself with making tea. _

_ Several minutes later, they sat around the kitchen table with cups of tea, Phil talking about his day at work, Dan listening intently to him speak.  _

_ ‘-and then I literally went through and asked him how on earth he actually thought this writing was at all good!’ Phil laughed, as he finished another tale from his day. He always had so much to talk about, and it never failed to bring a smile to Dan’s face. ‘So did you finish that piece today?’ Phil asked, pouring himself another cup of tea from the teapot.  _

_ ‘I haven’t actually finished it yet,’ Dan admitted, ‘though I have a good idea of how it’s going to go, so it should be done by the end of tomorrow. I got asked to play for a wedding over the weekend as well, so it’s good to know I’ve got some money coming in this month.’ _

_ Phil sat, mesmerised by the other man, and for some reason that he didn’t yet know, moved in closer, so their shoulders were almost touching. _

_ Dan stopped talking at this, he seemed okay with it, just slightly taken aback. But just moments later, he leaned into Phil, so he was resting against his chest. _

_ Phil leaned down, and gently pressed his lips against Dan’s. _

_ The kiss was brief, it only lasted for a fleeting moment. Yet in that moment, Dan’s entire world changed. He wanted to kiss Phil again, he wanted to hug him and never let go.  _

_ He smiled at Phil, who was freaking out slightly, and kept apologising.  _

_ ‘It’s okay,’ Dan said, looking up at him, before moving back in again for another kiss. ‘It’s okay with me if it’s okay with you.’ _

 

The courtroom came back into focus as Dan blinked, his head still spinning slightly. The people, who had been talking before, were now silent, as he felt all the eyes in the room turn to watch him.

‘Are you alright?’ He looked up to see the policeman offering him a hand, to escort him to his seat. 

‘Yes, sorry.’ He said, rather embarrassed. ‘Just, just nervous, that’s all.’ He glanced back to Phil, who was still sitting there. He was very much real, and Dan wanted nothing more than to run over to him and kiss him. But if he did that, he would be taken away for good. He had to remain calm. It was the only way he would get out of here.

‘Okay then,’ the judge said, ‘is everyone ready to start now?’

He couldn’t say anything. He was too scared that his voice would betray him, so he simply nodded in silence.

The first part of the trial passed in a blur. The eyewitness gave her testimony, and was questioned, and the jury watched in silence, trying to get as much of the information as they could. 

After that, it was his turn. He was shaking as he was called up, but he did his best to remain calm as he spoke. 

He recounted the lies he had practiced so many times. That he was straight, that he had never been attracted to a man, that he had been alone on the night in question. So many lies. But if that was what it took to see Phil again, then so be it. 

‘Thank you for that, that’s everything we need from you.’ The judge said, after he had been questioned. ‘You may return to your seat.’

He sat down, expecting the trial to be over, and for the jury to be given their time to reach a verdict, however, the judge had not yet finished speaking. ‘We now have a final person to question, Mrs K. Howell, mother of the accused, who is a character witness for Mr Daniel Howell.’

Dan held back a gasp as he saw his mother walk into the courtroom. He had been so convinced his family had abandoned him, he had no idea that his mother would be a witness for him in court. 

She hadn’t been there on the night, in his version of events or in reality. But what she could do for him was try and convince the jury that there was no way her precious son could possibly be homosexual. 

His confidence soared as he watched her be questioned, now it wasn’t just his word against the lady who had seen him, he had his family to back him up as well.

He wondered how they would react if they knew that the accusations were actually true, they certainly wouldn’t be standing up for him in court, he knew that much.

His mother was a force to be reckoned with, she could certainly hold her own, even in this situation where she was most definitely out of place. She refused to let the prosecution twist her words, and held her ground at points where others would’ve given up, or broken down. He could not have been more grateful to have her up there defending him. 

It wasn’t long before the jury left to decide their verdict. And all he could do was sit and wait. 

The wait was agonising, if he had thought waiting for the trial was bad, it was nothing compared to this. This was torture. 

Hours passed, and still the jury had not reached a verdict. It was getting late, and if they were much longer, the trial would be continued the next day, and he didn’t think he could wait that long.

Luckily, they emerged with only half an hour to spare, they had decided his verdict. His life quite literally rested in their hands. 

He looked to Phil in the crowd, he looked almost as nervous as Dan felt, but when he saw Dan looking at him, he tried to give an encouraging smile.  _ It’s alright for him,  _ Dan thought,  _ he’s not the one who gets put behind bars for the rest of his life if a group of random people declare him guilty.  _

‘Have you reached a unanimous verdict?’ the judge asked the man who had stood up, representing the jury. 

‘Yes, we have.’ He confirmed, and Dan’s heart began to race, he could almost feel it about to burst out of his chest. 

‘Daniel James Howell, suspected of gross indecency. What is your verdict?’

Dan swore his heart stopped for that brief moment. He could feel his life flashing before his eyes. This next sentence decided the fate of his entire life. He shut his eyes, and took a deep breath, before the man spoke.

‘Not guilty.’

He felt giddy with relief. He was safe. He was free. He would never take the fresh air he breathed for granted again, the sunlight, the rain, the freedom to do as he pleased, he would treasure every last moment he got on this earth.

 

Two days later, and he sat once again, in front of his piano. After not playing for so long, the keys felt strange under his fingers. Something once familiar, yet he could not remember what it felt like. He played something he had written long ago, something he had written for Phil. The piece flowed like nothing he had been playing earlier, sure he stumbled, weeks without playing did that to a person, but it sounded at least partially how it was supposed to.

He played until his fingers ached, until he saw the sun dip below the horizon outside the window. He was exhausted, practically falling asleep on the keys when he heard a knock at the door. 

He almost ran to the door, and opened it to see Phil standing there with a smile on his face. 

‘God, I’ve missed you Dan, you have no idea how scared for you I was.’

Dan said nothing, just drew the curtains and closed the door, before kissing Phil like he had never done before. Like it was necessary to his survival, like the other man was oxygen. He had almost forgotten what his lips felt like after so long apart, and the constant longing in his chest finally vanished. 

He didn’t notice the tears running down his cheeks until he pulled away, and once he started it was near impossible to stop. He let Phil guide him blindly to the sofa, and relaxed into his arms. He sobbed for ages, until his head hurt from all the crying, and he was sure he must look like an absolute mess. He finally stopped for long enough to look up at Phil and smile. 

‘I love you Phillip Lester, I love you so, so much and I never want to be separated from you again. Promise you’ll stay with me.’

‘I promise,’ he said, pressing a kiss to Dan’s forehead, ‘I love you too.’

 

_ Dan woke up to a pair of arms wrapped around his waist, and looked to see Phil lying with him in his bed, which was far too small for more than one person. He smiled at the other man, who looked so peaceful in sleep, his hair messy, his face expressionless.  _ How did I get so lucky?  _ He thought as he lay there.  _ All the people in the world and it’s me who gets Phil.  _ He had done so much for Dan, who would probably be dead without him. He snuggled back into Phil’s arms as he drifted off to sleep again, it was the weekend, and they had all morning before Dan had to play at the wedding. _

 

Dan woke up early that morning, he still got a shock every time he looked around when he woke to see his own room, rather than the cell where had been trapped for so long. He looked over to see Phil lying beside him, their bodies pressed together in the tiny bed. He still couldn’t believe he was free, that he was back in his own house rather than a prison cell. He was free, and he had Phil Lester. He was the luckiest man in the world.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Commenters will receive my undying love and appreciation (please tell me what I did right and what I can improve on!) And kudos are welcomed!


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